Talking to your teen now requires an understanding of the developmental stage that they are going through, what they need from you as a parent/caregiver and some strategies to help them open up and share. The “do it because I said so” approach to parenting is no longer an option, it just backfires. By testing out a few new strategies you may find the door to conversations crack open again and possibly more often.
STAY CALM
Staying calm is easier said than done! If what you really want is a child that trusts, respects, and confides in you it is essential that you do not respond out of anger by yelling, using putdowns, expressing disappointment or frustration.
You must remember that you are the adult and have more experience self-soothing and calming yourself by doing such things as taking a break or using breathing to regulation your emotional state. If you respond in a reactive state your child will feel attacked which will induce a fight or flight response in your child.
1. Understanding the Shift
The transition into adolescence means that traditional parenting tactics often __________, leading to more friction rather than compliance.
A) carry off
B) back up
C) blow up in one's face
D) bring about
2. The Reactive State
Should a parent respond in a reactive state, they risk ___________ a fight-or-flight response in their child, effectively ending the conversation.
A) setting off
B) taking in
C) putting across
D) falling through
3. Self-Regulation (Advanced Structure)
___________ a parent learns to self-soothe through breathing or taking a break can they hope to model emotional intelligence for their teen.
A) Under no circumstances
B) Only after
C) Provided that
D) Hardly had
4. Opening Up
By testing out new strategies, you might find that your teenager eventually begins to __________ and share their experiences more freely.
A) level out
B) open up
C) cotton on
D) break out
5. Essential Requirements (The Subjunctive)
If a parent desires a relationship built on trust, it is essential that he or she ___________ out of anger or frustration.
A) does not respond
B) not respond
C) wouldn't respond
D) hasn't responded
6. Managing Friction
When a teen feels attacked, they are likely to ___________, which further complicates the possibility of a respectful dialogue.
A) lash out
B) bottle up
C) knuckle down
D) wear off
LISTEN
Sometimes the best way to start a conversation with your teen is to actually say nothing. Crazy, huh? Even though it can be hard to zip your lip, do not interview your child the minute you see them. Stay present and wait until they open the door to dialogue. Asking direct questions often will create a pressure to share and make your teen withdraw and possibly shut you out. It is much more effective to sit back and be ready to listen. Many people, like myself, have a hard time not filling dead air. But the payoff can be huge. Things may come up that you may have never considered, so follow their lead.
When your teen does start to talk, use your active listening skills and reflect or paraphrase what they are sharing and empathize with how they might be feeling. This will let them know that you hear and understand them. And if they share something that is shocking or alarming focus on staying calm and regulating your emotional reaction and simply nod your head while thanking them for sharing. (You will probably need time to process the new information, calm down, and come up with a response that will keep the door open to more dialogue on the topic.)
ASK CURIOSITY QUESTIONS
Sometimes it can feel like you have to tiptoe around your teen to get them to share with you. When you do feel the need to explore, be mindful of what and how you ask questions. Asking in a way that feels safe and not perceived as threatening is essential to getting your teen to talk. Using curiosity questions gently opens the door to conversation without putting your teen on the defensive.
If a teen has not done their homework most parents typically ask, “Did you get your homework done?” Instead, try using a curiosity question that might sound like, “So, what is your plan for getting homework done tonight?’ This communicates faith in your teen’s ability to complete homework and be responsible and allows them to reflect on what they need to do and how they will do it.
An alternative curiosity question might be, “Is there anything I can do to be helpful so that you get your homework done before 10PM tonight?” If they are unsure, it is more likely they will ask for help when you start with a curiosity question.
Talking to teens is no easy task! There is no way to completely eliminate the “eye rolling”, slamming doors, or stomping off in a huff. But being mindful of how you approach dialogue with your teen by employing listening, connecting, and questioning skills (+ a whole lot of patience of course) you will increase the likelihood that they open up and share their world with you and come to you with some of the challenges they face.
The "Silence" Strategy: The author suggests that "zipping your lip" can lead to a "huge payoff." Analyze the idiom "to fill dead air." Why does the author suggest this is a common failing in adults, and what does it imply about the power balance in a conversation?
Linguistic Reframing: Compare the two questions: "Did you get your homework done?" vs. "What is your plan for getting homework done?" * How does the second question utilize the subjunctive idea of possibility rather than the indicative mood of accusation?
What does this shift communicate about the parent's expectations of the child's agency?
The Biological Imperative: The text mentions the "fight or flight" response. Based on the passage, how does a parent's inability to self-soothe directly impede the teenager's cognitive ability to engage in "dialogue"?
The "Shock" Protocol: Why does the author recommend thanking a teen for sharing "shocking" information? Evaluate the phrase "keep the door open." Is this an example of "passive" parenting, or is it a calculated tactical move?
II. Critical Thinking & Abstract Evaluation
The Obsolescence of Authority: The text posits that the "do it because I said so" approach is "no longer an option."
Argumentative Prompt: To what extent do you agree that traditional authority has been rendered obsolete by modern developmental psychology? Are there specific scenarios where this "negotiation-based" model might fall short?
The Burden of Regulation: The author places the entire burden of "staying calm" on the adult.
Critical Inquiry: Does this approach risk creating a "one-sided" emotional labor dynamic? How can a parent draw a line between being an empathetic listener and being a "doormat" for a teenager’s "stomping off in a huff"?
Predictive Outcome: If a parent successfully follows their teen's lead and avoids "interviewing" them, what long-term cognitive schemas is the teenager likely to develop regarding conflict resolution and trust?
III.
Idiomatic Synthesis: Use at least three of the following phrasal verbs to describe a "worst-case scenario" conversation between a parent and a teen: To lash out, to shut someone out, to wind someone up, to bottle up, to come across as.
The "Curiosity" Challenge: Imagine a teen has returned home two hours past their curfew.
Instead of laying into them (attacking verbally), construct a curiosity question that maintains "faith in the teen's ability to be responsible" while still addressing the broken rule.
Reflective Paraphrasing: The text mentions "active listening." If a teen says, "I hate school, everyone is a hypocrite and the work is pointless," how would you paraphrase this to show empathy without necessarily agreeing with the statement?
